The Death of Chivalry

NSD is on the road but found this article that, while a bit accusatory, is actually 100% true.

Meet John Picciuto. Attractive, seemingly normal, likes football, talented writer, loves Instagram and seems to have a damn cute dog. Also runs a website/blog that I didn’t read through because, well, I’m in a very exciting place and I’d like to not be one of those people with the ability to look at a world renowned piece of architecture but instead choose this guy’s blog on my iPad. That’s not really about him, though.

But, back to John. He’s dating. He’s actually dating, it seems. He’s not constantly attempting to get laid (although I’m sure he is, its a numbers game), he’s not attempting to get married, he’s just attempting to get to know people. In a normal circumstance, in a regular way, and seemingly attempting to avoid all the bulls*it that comes with this crazy culture we live in. And John has nailed the #1 problem with dating on the head in this article from a few months ago. NAILED IT. And ladies, I hate to break it to you, but its your own damn fault.

It’s MY own damn fault. Read and learn and then realize you’ve done it too.

“In the hookup culture we now live in, it’s pretty obvious that chivalry is completely dead. Maybe my parents were old fashioned, maybe growing up in a tight knit Italian family resulted in different values, but I was always preached the value of chivalry and etiquette from the women in my life. From my grandmother to my mother, you better believe I learned my lessons, either verbally or via the wooden spoon. But why now does it seem like it’s completely impossible for men to do what I would consider the ‘normal’ thing?

Dating is done. Seriously, who goes on dates anymore? It’s all about hooking up, getting a number, grabbing a drink and getting down. I think I’m the only single guy I know that actually takes a girl out to a restaurant on a first date. There’s a reason for this. If you take a girl out and show her you’re more than some douche looking to just get in her pants, odds are, you’re going to get a second date, at least. Call me old fashioned, but a nice dinner is worth the money to get to know someone to some extent.

For me, it’s not about the money, and I get why people are stingy when it comes to going out with people they don’t know. Look, I get it. Sh*t costs money. But really, what’s the difference? Treat yourself to a good meal, and if the company is good, why the hell wouldn’t you take a girl out to a nice dinner?

All I know is, the more I look around, the less I see men treating women the way that we’re raised to. What happened to paying for dinners and drinks? What happened to pulling out chairs and holding doors? What happened to walking on the outside, closest to the street and all that sh*t? Where did we lose the chivalrous touch? When did it become acceptable to just text a girl, inviting her to come bang? Don’t get me wrong. I’m not complaining about those instances, I’m just saying, why have we strayed away from what has been established as the norm?

I think, in an ever-changing landscape of communication between 140 character tweets, LOLs and ROTFLs, we’ve lost our ability to communicate, altogether. You go to a noisy bar and expect to get to know someone new, when all you really wind up with is uninteresting small talk. We don’t take the time to get to really know people anymore and that’s why you see relationships and marriages failing at a 50 percent clip. Ultimately, push is going to come to shove here, and I figured it would have happened by now, but for some reason, it has not.

The real problem here is that women, for one reason or another, have become complacent and allowed men to get away with adhering to the bare minimum. We no longer have to put in the effort of flowers, chocolates, dates, etc., and if we do, we come off as stage-five clingers. I’m not looking for a girlfriend, nor am I looking for a wife. If I take you out to a nice dinner, it’s because I’m a nice guy, and I am looking forward to spending time with you somewhere other than the bedroom.

Eventually, I feel that women will wise up and start asking for the things that they deserve, the things used to be automatic and expected of men, like holding a door, pulling out a chair, and paying for dinners. Until then, men are going to get away with putting in the bare minimum and receiving what we ultimately want anyway – sex. It’s pretty obvious that women own the cards, and when they start acting like it, they’ll finally start getting dinner from places that don’t deliver.“

See? Our fault too. I mean, he’s not winning the Nobel Peace Prize or anything but this guy is onto something. Something legitimate.

They deserve better. We deserve better. For the love of God, everybody, start acting like it.

This post courtesy of http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/

Don’t Show Him Your Cards

The four-leaf clover and I have made some progress. We’re not talking anything monumental, but progress. And while it may be minimal, I’ll take it.  I’m very intrigued by this man. I’m very attracted to him; not just physically but from a personality, intelligence and sense of humor perspective as well. At this juncture, he seems like a kind, funny, good guy… and we all know I’ve done a hell of a lot worse than that.

But I’m far more intrigued at this point by what the actual courting and dating process is in 2013. I’ve been out of the “attempting to be in a relationship” game for a while (having fallen for my best friend and then starting to sleep with the worst’s stupidest man) so I feel like my game is “off” at best and “ridiculously weak” at its worst (which is likely the best assessment of what is currently happening).

The Clover (yes, this is his new nickname) and I spent some time together last week, somewhat planned, somewhat staged by both of us in varying aspects. His friends were throwing a party and invited me, my friends attended with me and he used them to do some digging into my personal life (or maybe to be sure I’m not friends with vapid idiots, which I’m not). Up to this point, it seems all pretty basic. We continued to drink (a little too heavily) throughout the night and ended up chatting for a few hours. Nothing really of note, nothing that pushes me heavily in either direction about whether or not I will get the opportunity to partake in this particularly attractive man. But man, would I like to.

The conversation, flirtation and significant amount of time we spent together did spark the interest of one of his female friends which led her to ask me what I was thinking (sidenote: this “good friend” has a long-term boyfriend and is in now way interested in The Clover, her intentions are nothing but pure). I told her I was intrigued but confused and not sure how to proceed. Being a quality person, and I think a good friend, she told me that having known him for years that he was an interesting breed and that I’d be a good match for him. And then she gave me some interesting advice: Do not show him your cards. Not yet.

She told me that while a good guy, a man she thinks is ready to settle down and a man worth having, that he is a little too focused on the chase. And that showing him my cards would ruin my chances.

Ruin my chances? By being honest? I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t know if this is the dating state of affairs or if this is the kind of man I don’t want to get involved with. The whole “keep him interested by being aloof” thing isn’t really my deal. I’m a pretty open, relatively aggressive honest person even when it means I may get my heart broken or my ego bruised. And this article I read that some super amazing dad wrote to his daughter is making me think that if he doesn’t want me as my honest aggressive self then maybe it wouldn’t work out anyway.

But the other part of me thinks that maybe I need to play the game a little to even be considered a player.

So, the question remains: Do I need to adapt? Or did this four-leaf clover just turn into a shamrock?

Thankful? Or Are You Just Bragging?

So, its November and we all know that Thanksgiving falls in November. A day that started out as one thing (Pilgrims, new world, likely killing too many American Indians), transformed into another (focusing on thankfulness for about five whole minutes and then eating immense amounts of food with your family) and then finally into the ultimate ridiculousness (staying up all night sleeping outside Toys R’ Us to get an alleged deal on unnecessary and overpriced gifts). Now, I realize I’m relatively judgmental. I realize that this is a very cynical view. But I think this whole Thanksgiving thing has gone even further down the path to ridiculousness.

And it comes, no surprise, from Facebook. I now have a myriad of “friends” who are using the month of November to provide a daily reminder to themselves – and all 598 of their Facebook friends – of all the things they are thankful for. Now, on the surface, this seems like such a nice thing. In actual action, its the ultimate life-brag. And its starting to piss me off.

“Today, I’m thankful for my babies, they have brought so much joy to my life” – Okay, I can get on board with that. New life is relatively remarkable, not a problem. Cute, healthy kids, be thankful.

“Today, I’m thankful for my dog-children, they are the light of my life and I couldn’t make it through the day without kisses from my Maya!” – Stretching, still something to be thankful for, companionship of any kind is comforting, but I’m starting to get annoyed

“Today, I’m thankful that I am able to stay home with my kids every day because my amazing husband works so hard” – You sure that isn’t because its actually cheaper than day care? And are you sure that other people don’t work JUST as hard as him and can’t afford to have their wives stay home? Also, of course you husband is amazing, why wouldn’t he be? He’s YOURS.

“Today I’m thankful for the seat heaters in my new car #sothankful #socold #hatewinter” – Too far. So too far. This is usually accompanied by a photo of the button that turns on the heat seater in the new car. That’s obviously necessary.

And finally…

“Today I’m thankful that I/we have worked so hard that when I saw that dress I really wanted today, I could just buy it.” – Right, right… you really thought about your level of gratitude for your life situation as you were purchasing that completely unnecessary outfit. That you have now uploaded a photo of yourself in. With full hair and makeup. The picture of thankfulness.

Now, I don’t like to sound like such a hater, I really don’t… but its the fact that all of this bragging is done under the guise of gratitude that really gets my goat. You know what would be a better idea? Keeping it to yourself, thanking God every day for the gifts you have and not just in November and appreciating the moments with your kids, your dogs, and your husband instead of uploading every fu*king instant of it.

I’m just sayin’ is all. Just. Sayin’.

Out With The Old, In With… Something

As quickly noted, it’s been a crazy time for NSD.

Over the past few weeks, I had the joy of reuniting with my brother who lives overseas and whom I have little to no contact with on a regular basis, bringing me so much happiness and closure on so many things that have happened since I last saw him over a year ago.

One of my best friends and my work sidekick, Michaela, left the office next to mine for her dream job (can’t blame her, still miss her), leaving my days far less entertaining and increasingly difficult without her.  You want to talk about somebody who you completely trust, who can put you in your place when you need it and knows when you are about to burst into tears by the sound of your voice or the look on your face? That’s her. On hockey skates.

And that guy I liked who I thought I blew it with? I ran into him and indications lead me to believe I didn’t blow it as badly as I’d imagined. I mean, he’s not begging to buy me dinner or anything, but I may have over-reacted (I’ve been known to over-react once or twice).

But that douchebag who I was giving all sorts of credit to for treating me like a respectable woman after our falling out? He went back to being a douchebag. No real loss or shock there, either.

All these emotions, all in such a short amount of time. A few are big deals (Michaela and my brother) while others are true blips on the radar that will never really define me. But, oddly enough, they all have a common theme: a fresh start. Which I really, really needed.

The minute Michaela told me she may leave me the company, I instantly knew she had to go. I instantly knew it was what was best for her and I am incredibly happy for her. And we will always be friends, I have no question about that. But I started to realize I was also a little jealous. She has the luxury of really starting over. Of taking all the things about herself that she doesn’t like and things she’d like to change and eliminate them. She has the luxury of showcasing her best qualities, her best skills and make them her trademark. Show the world her best and be proud of who she is.

And then there’s the guy… the good guy, the unicorn, the four-leaf clover, the one I scared off by being rude.  Michaela was nice enough to point out that the whole rude thing is actually something I do quite often. That my defense mechanism to rejection is to be abrasive and rude, almost to prove that I’m… I don’t know… strong? I’m not sure what it is and she was far more eloquent about it when she nicely told me to cut the sh*t. But the four-leaf clover and I had a nice little chat the other day, lingering eye contact and smiles included. Hope reborn a little bit more.

But what that conversation with Michaela really comes down to is that I have finally found something that pinpoints something I do that keeps me single. And honestly, I kind of needed it. Now, I’m not saying this is the be-all-and-end-all (as Mama NSD says) of my dating woes. You are all quite aware of my dating demons. My mishaps, misteps, stupid moves, annoying tendencies… they aren’t all going to disappear with this revelation.

But what it has done is change my focus. It’s made me be a little more self-accepting, a little less self-depricating, a little less aggressive to prove that I’m funny, happy, engaging. Michaela told me that I make a great first impression, almost in spite of myself, because I’m not putting the pressure on, I’m just being me. But she also nicely pointed out that it was the second impression that killed me. The second impression is where I felt so much pressure to be witty, attractive, and endearing that I turned into kind of a b*tchy mess.

So, times… they are a-changin’. I’ll certainly screw it up again. I’ll certainly offend someone, say the wrong thing, mess up my third or fourth, or hundredth, impression. But at least I’m getting out of the gate, which is the one gift Michaela left me on her way out the door.

That and that exercise ball she used to sit on sometimes. True friendship, right there.

Unexpected Hiatus

NSD has had an unexpected, crazy, travel-filled, family-filled two weeks. But she misses you. She really, really does.

New blog up this week. Promise!