Single People (That’s Me) Are Tired Of…

What are we tired of? Other than dates with complete imbeciles, you ask? These questions and statements. So please, my beloved, beloved friends and followers… stop.

“How are you still single? You’re so great.”
What I think: So, being great and being married are apparently mutually exclusive? Thanks so much. It IS amazing that I’m so great and yet haven’t found ANYONE that thinks so.
What I say: Thanks, I appreciate that. I’m happy being single, just waiting for the right person.

“It’ll happen when you least expect it.”
What I think: Well, I currently expect it never. So Mr. Wonderful must be on his way right this second.
What I say: I know, that’s what everyone says. So I’m just going to focus on my friends and work, and getting in shape and maybe he’ll just show up.

“Don’t you ever get lonely?”
What I think: No, of course not. Going to weddings alone, waking up alone every morning, not having a person to call after the worst meeting ever when you just need to vent… fun times.
What I say: Sometimes. But I’m really busy so its like, you know, sometimes I don’t even notice.

“You should try online dating. My friend met their husband/wife that way.”
What I think: I KNOW THAT ALREADY. YOU TOLD ME THAT THE LAST THREE TIMES WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION.
What I say: Yeah, maybe I’ll try it again. I mean, it’s all about timing, right?

“They don’t deserve you.”
What I think: Bullshit.
What I say: Oh, thanks. That’s sweet of you. I’m sure I’ll find someone who appreciates me and it will all be worth it.

“You are such a catch.”
What I think: History disagrees with you. I don’t disagree with you, but apparently all men do.
What I say: Thanks, I know. I just need to find the right guy.

At a wedding: “You better get out there, they’re doing the bouquet toss.”
What I think: Get me the f*ck out of here. What every single girl wants, to be paraded around like a three legged dog who can’t find a man to marry her so you throw something at her.
What I say: I’m going to hit the ladies room and then grab another drink. You good?

“You have to love yourself before you can love someone else.”
What I think: Yeah, because you are just the picture of self-acceptance. How much was that last round of Botox? And you haven’t eaten carbs in, what, three years?
What I say: I know, I’m working on that.

“We’ll all be laughing about this someday.”
What I think: I fear we won’t.
What I say: I know!

“Don’t give up, it’ll happen.”
What I think: Maybe. Or maybe not. I’ll be fine either way, but I’m not betting on it.
What I say: Maybe. Or maybe not. I’ll be fine either way, but I’m not betting on it.

Thanks to Buzzfeed for providing this amazing, relatable and very true list.

I’m Pretty Sure It’s Not Me

About a year ago, NYT writer Sara Eckel wrote an incredible article entitled “Sometimes, It’s Not You”. This little beauty is a bit long but a MUST read for all singles out there  – male, female, gay, straight. NSD’s love for the article, and subsequent email thanking her for it, resulted in quick back and forth between Sara and NSD, in which it was decided that she was a kindred spirit, and ultimately landed NSD on her distribution list (which felt a bit like being invited to a very elite club of single women).

A few months later, NSD received an email from Sara:
I’m now writing a book for about the challenges of being single when you’d prefer not to be–basically for people who have realized (or strongly suspect) that they actually don’t need to work through their issues or improve themselves in any way–they just need to find their person. So I’m hoping to hear from people who have had this epiphany about how they approach the $8 million dollar question: What now? How do you accept yourself and your life as it is, while still remaining open to the possibility of finding a partner? Have you had any experiences that were particularly helpful in this regard? Any strategies you’ve found for talking to friends and family about this? 

And, somehow, today feels like the day to show you all what NSD has to say on the topic. Which begs the question… is NSD right? Or does she need to do a little more soul-searching?

“Sara, Happy New Year. I appreciate you looking for feedback from the still-single. The epiphany is, in my opinion, total self-acceptance with a side order of hope. Which is a pretty large statement given the +/- 10 holiday lbs I’m packing right now, my enormously long to-do list, current job search and the announcement of two pregnant (and, of course, married) friends over Christmas.

I think there are many experiences that have aided me in finally coming to the conclusion – and understanding – that it actually isn’t me. And that in itself is a big battle – actually understanding that its not me, as opposed to everyone just telling me that. People have been telling me for years, but now I actually believe them.

More than anything, I think the acceptance just comes from getting older and realizing how good you actually have it. I have a great life, a great (but not free from tragedy or turmoil) family, a wonderful group a friends and a job I’m really good at and well-compensated for – and that I actually enjoy. I live by myself in a beautiful apartment where I am able to enjoy my alone time… even if it sometimes feels like I have too much of it.

I have wonderful friends in bad relationships, I have crappy acquaintances in seemingly great ones and I have a few friends who are in great, loving, supportive relationships that prove to me that its worth the wait. But that doesn’t make the conversations any easier, or the wait. And the random nights at home where you are just wishing you had someone you could cuddle on the couch with wearing no make-up and an old sweatshirt still hit you when you least expect it.

The conversations I mostly have are the ones where people almost satirically build up my self-confidence like they are afraid to kick the hurt puppy: “You’re so beautiful, I don’t get it”… “You are so smart and successful, it’s intimidating to men”… “When Prince Charming finally shows up, he’s going to be SOOOO worth the wait”. I find these comments slightly humiliating, but well-intentioned so I try my best to smile and nod.But the other part of the conversations eventually turn to the things these alleged relationship gurus (my relationship-ed friends, my aunts, my after work-drink buddies, the older woman in the office celebrating her 40th anniversary) think I should change about myself to adapt to what a man will want: maybe don’t laugh so loud, maybe don’t be so busy, maybe don’t dominate the conversation, maybe don’t wear heels. And my answer to the conversations is always the same: this is who I am, this is my life. I’m 5’8″, I’m loud, and my schedule is insane. Those things aren’t magically going to change because I meet a man who wants to spend time with me, he’s going to have to embrace those things. He’s going to need to either be taller than me or be okay with me towering over him, he’s going to need to find my loud laugh attractive and he’s going to have to know that two or three nights a week, I can’t have dinner with him. So adapting those things now isn’t attractive; it’s misleading. Which I refuse to be. This in itself has been my largest lesson: what you see is what you get, so you best like it a month in or we are in serious trouble at month 3, year 2 and year 10.

At the end of the day, the hardest conversation for me is with my mother. Not because she is pushing or demanding or disappointed – but because she actually feels bad for me. She has known my father all her life, started dating him when she was 18 and has never had another relationship; she can’t relate and she knows it. But having your mother pity you for your lack of connection to another human being for more than a week or a month at a time is, in all honesty, the worst feeling I’ve ever had. I find myself assuring her I am fine, I don’t “need” someone, I would just like to have someone. Which is true. I don’t “need” a boyfriend or a husband, but I’d sure as hell like one. And like you said in your original article, it does feel like a “betrayal of feminism” to want one. But I’ve decided that its really the opposite, its more an assertion of it – I am a confident, intelligent, funny 32-year old woman with a lot to offer to someone. I could be half of a great life with the right person.

But the realization that I have an entire great life on my own has been my biggest learning moment. I’m done waiting. I’m whole without him, he’ll just make that pie bigger when he shows up.”